Added: Liliana Stroble - Date: 05.12.2021 13:27 - Views: 41228 - Clicks: 2262
We all need to talk about our frustrations, and seek advice. And we often trust our loved ones implicitly, regarding their advice as gospel. We believe they would give us the best help, as far as advice. The problem is that many of the people we trust have grown up hearing the same cultural messages about resolving marital hurts that we have. They may have the same kinds of unresolved conflicts in their own marriages.
They encourage you to leave, fight back, and call an attorney. Pulling back may alleviate one kind of pain. But consistently avoiding conflict le to the death of a marriage, which hurts infinitely more than working through the conflict. If your friends or other family members are after you to give up on your spouse, they may think they have your best interest at heart.
But Looking for a husband in all the wrong places are not giving you wise counsel. Another source of advice for resolving hurts is the professional counselor. I know about this world because marriage and family therapy is my profession. We were taught that human beings are basically good and that, when the counselor provides a positive orientation for change, people will seek the good in themselves. They can then become the best they can be. They just need to look inside themselves and rely on their innate goodness to solve their problems.
It took me about three weeks in practice as new counselor to begin to reject that belief system. As I often say, the further I get from my training, the better off I believe I am —not because my professors were bad people or poor educators, because they were neither. The problem is that humanistic counseling discourages both client and therapist from centering on the ultimate source of change that heals: Jesus Christ. Secular counselors provide therapy from a secular perspective. But to conduct therapy without God and the Bible is like jumping on a trampoline without a spotter.
Nobody is there to catch you. Can Christians benefit from counseling with a non-Christian? Some of the methods for resolving conflict taught by secular counselors are good; some are not. One ingredient that is often missing is forgiveness. Forgiveness is a key step in healing hurts from a biblical perspective. Yet this step is often ignored altogether in the secular world. Unfortunately, some Christian counselors are as ineffective as their unbelieving counterparts.
Because often when they purport to counsel from a Christian perspective, there is actually little emphasis on a biblical orientation. I know this process can be disconcerting, but it is better to have a series of initial appointments with several counselors than to on for long-term counseling with someone who does not lead you to a healthy and biblical restoration of your relationship. It may seem hard to believe, but sometimes the church disseminates information about healing marital hurts that is contrary to the teaching of the Bible.
Rarely do church leaders mislead their congregations intentionally. Take, for example, the issue of hehip and submission in marriage. A man who is interested only in absolute control over his wife will stop there. He will rarely go on to the next six verses that help us understand that hehip is not about a husband dominating his wife but serving her:.
And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body. Ephesians The lording leader loves to give orders.
He has to have control. He makes all the decisions; everyone else just carries out his directives. If anyone questions his decisions, he silences them with another string of commands. So he browbeats her into going along with him, and manipulates her into granting his wishes. Barb and I have seen many marriages damaged by husbands who used their role as the head of the home to rule their wives with an iron fist of control. This unbiblical view can cause long-term bitterness. When he does, her trust in him will grow. She will then feel secure in responding to and supporting him.
Each of the messages from our culture is loud, persistent, and persuasive. But, at times, there is an even more influential voice speaking about marital conflict and how to resolve it. Barb will now share with us the kinds of messages we receive from our families.
For Gary and me, home is really where the heart is. When we think of our families of origin, we remember the love and camaraderie, holiday dinners, birthday celebrations, vacations, times when we laughed and cried together. We also remember parents who were committed to getting along with each other, talking —and listening —to each other, and settling their differences. My parents have been married 62 years as I write this. Gary and I have both been blessed with great role models. This is not only with marriages that have gone the distance, but also with joyful and fulfilling marriages. When it comes to seeking help in dealing with conflict and hurt in our relationship, our families were a positive and helpful influence.
Sadly, not all people can say this about their families. For many people, the very mention of family of family or parents sparks other memories —absence, loss, pain. Conflicts and pain at home were frequent. And forgiveness and healing were infrequent or absent altogether. These people have carried what they learned at home into their marriages.
A woman mirrors the perfectionism she once hated in her mother. A man finds solace in rage and control, just as their father did. A boy tries to win the approval of a father who never seemed satisfied with even the greatest accomplishments, and then he grows up to place the same unrealistic demands on his own children. Of all the married couples we counsel who are having difficulties resolving conflict, the vast majority need to come to terms with unhealthy patterns they learned during childhood.
You may feel the same hopelessness, the same inability to change. You may feel destined to live out the same ineffective patterns in your own marriage. Have you ever heard of a pick, shovel, hoe, soil amendments, and a little hard work? In the same way you can change the condition of soil and unlearn bad patterns of dealing with conflict and learn new ones. Our children and grandchildren need to have a biblical pattern to follow in their marriages. He commanded our ancestors to teach them to their children, so the next generation might know them—even the children not yet born—that in turn might teach their children.
So what are you doing to alter the patterns you learned? How are you making your marriage different from that of your parents? How can you bequeath Looking for a husband in all the wrong places your children a family legacy that is more biblical and positive than your family of origin?
You look at this responsibility to help in two ways. You can think of it as a tremendous burden and a lot of hard work. Or you can welcome it as an opportunity to pass on to your children something that was not passed on to you. The family you came from is important. Identify from your family of origin the barriers to communication and healthy conflict resolution. Gain whatever insight you can from the past. Deal with the emotional pain of it. But then move on to developing new patterns that include confession, forgiveness of offenses and healing of hurts.
One way or another, you will leave your hand-prints all over the personalities and hearts of your children. Will you leave behind a generation that will reach the world for Christ, or will you give up at the daunting task and let them go their own way? What kind of godly heritage are you leaving them? The key is found in establishing a home that honors God.
Establish a home where each individual is encouraged to develop a relationship with Jesus, a home where people make mistakes and fail each other but recognize they have the power, through God, to be transformed. Conflict in your marriage is inevitable. It is published by Tyndale House Publishers. We had to shorten it for this format. The stories, diagrams, and self-tests in this book will help you and your spouse understand how you react to face the hurt and move toward forgiveness and healing.
They also teach how to close the loop on conflict, and rebuild trust. Tagged: friend helping friendhelp your marriagetools to help.
Sometimes you try to knock some sense in your spouse when he is wrong, or for him to open up but I have discovered that men have a problem dealing with reality.Looking for a husband in all the wrong places
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Finding love in all the wrong places; some are too good to be true